Guess what? Today is 30 April. I should be going to the interview. It was held in Bandar Tun Razak. But I don’t! I just got back from Johore. Moreover, I’m not interested to be a teacher. Why? A teacher doesn’t have time for a real life. Haha. lol. I’m joking… Firstly, I don’t want to work at school. Second, students nowadays don't even think about the damage they're doing to the teacher and sometimes they don't even look at their teacher as a person. That’s annoying. Thirdly, my character doesn’t always defend. My hand can’t help people on stumble. Haha. But that’s not the prime reason I don’t want to be a teacher. I’m looking for a job that could give me opportunity to point out my view, listen and deals with people. Wait a minutes… dealing with people, aha of course not a lower secondary student! lol. By the way, if my words are like a magical beans that grow into a stalk, I would rather interested in being a hero. Oh! Thanks for reminding, I know I’m girl. Heroism is a hard road to take. But I guess I fall far too often. And I fail way too consistently. Oh, another thing, please, don’t try to understand; it's just not possible you will. I’m just rumble about nothing now. See, I supposed to talk about my absence in that interview, we're going too far. Heh. I don’t know what I’m going to be. I don't have a slogan, I don't have a catchphrase, maybe these things will be used as evidence, and maybe I will become recognizable by my silence. Signing off, bye!

I always have such difficulty when I try to write honest outcome. Seriously. My emotions get mixed in the metaphors and sometimes lose focus. But… it's all the same to me even if I'm the only one who notices. Recently, I’ve found that, it’s only about love to talk about. To anybody else, don’t like it? Fine, get lost. Sometimes, I’m bloody sick of this. But sure it’s not because of you. I often said, in countless time, just leave me if don’t love me. You do have a lot of girls before. Sometimes, I wondered, why should they come, regretted after all what they have done, when the moment I was with you? When we both are only to start create and plan our own future? Beautiful meant nothing when they’re hollow inside. I hope that’s doesn’t happen between you and me, now and afterward. You kept telling me that you love me so much and nothing gonna change that. But somehow, I knew, it’s hard for you to forget all your past love story. Yarh.. Compared to them, I’m not somebody. I never meant to rhyme but I’m honest now. Just now, that girl contact me again (I don’t know your ex or your puppy). She said, situations become harder when I was put into relationship. She said also, you didn’t want to break my heart after giving me hope and also she said, you do love her so much. Yes, she told me like that. I’ve already said before, I will trust you completely. I’m sorry. Maybe my writing sounds bit uncomfortable. Look, I never beg for any hope… I never beg for your own love if you’re NOT to love me… What’s the best for you, gonna be the best for me. Maybe it’s hard to speak the truth. And now, after all, you leave it to me to make decision? Yes, perhaps while I’m writing this, you still wait for the answer. But what I just scared that; if I make out my mind, that’s would only ruined your life. So, I’m going to leave it to you otherwise. I’m sorry again… for asking this shit many times. Yet, now…I’m reading your SMS that I’ve just received. Of course, I love you too. After you touched my heart, I never had a single doubt, that what I felt for you was what real love was all about. Sorry to bother you with that things. I’m not going to make any decision since it was yours. Also, I don’t want to lost this feeling through my fingertips. It would only cause scar and welts. But somehow, if you think you want to turn back, there’s an open door for you and I would fall back to place where I’ve began. No offence. Sometimes to love is to sacrifice. I don’t wanna be the burden that keeps you awake. Oh, by the way, you don’t have to feel guilty reading this. I’m not begging for anything except if it comes naturally from you. There are too many things to say and they flow through my mind. Nonetheless, I can indeed be honest with my feelings when the proper moments present themselves, and this writing is meant to shine some light on such situations. Congrats, you made it. We’re in finishing line. Hopefully more of you can relate and experience what I was trying to express. Thanks for reading anyway. Signing off, bye!

Love this!

I'm checking your pulse
I'm giving you air
But your body disagrees
And no it don't care at all
I'm wasting my time

Now your eyes roll awake
You're looking at me
You say "Darling what happened
Did I fall asleep?"
And you carry me home
Cause I know I wasn't here

I'm closing your blinds
I'm shutting your eyes
And now I
I'm afraid I have to go
Whoa

I'd sing you a song
But i'm feeling quite off
In my heart
It's occupied
And now's not the time

Let's try this again
And this time don't laugh
Cause I'm working on my sentences
I'm working on my play on words
I'll get it this time

If I am a clock
Than you are the time
I'm patiently waiting
In your out of line
And i'll be the question
If you'll be the answer

I'm closing your blinds
I'm shutting your eyes
And now I
I'm afraid I have to go
Whoa

I'd sing you a song
But i'm feeling quite off
In my heart
It's occupied
And now's not the time

If I am a clock
Than you are the time
I'm patiently waiting
In you're out of line
I'm counting the times
You've lied to my face
My hands were full
Not a second to waste

If I am a clock
Than you are the time
I'm patiently waiting
In you're out of line
I'm counting the times
You've lied to my face
My hands were full
Not a second to waste

I'm closing your blinds
I'm shutting your eyes
And now I
I'm afraid I have to go
Whoa

I'd sing you a song
But i'm feeling quite off
In my heart
It's occupied
And now's not the time
The time

Ignoring all that shit things.

I don’t know how I should put this.

I love you so much.

Maybe it’s just a sound. But it’s written and I can’t take it back. You were so sweet. Sweeter to me than anyone's ever been before and I've fallen in love with you. And I don’t know what to do. I've never felt like this before. I'm sorry that I can’t be there for you when you need me most because I’m so far.

That day, you said you love me too, so much. And I said, ‘Yes, I know’.

And you asked me,

‘How you know?’

Since I couldn’t ask myself, I told you to cut my heart into ‘X’. And you’ll see your name written there.

But, you told me, if you cut my heart, of course the blood will flow out…

So I said, ‘Yes, blood will flow out and of course I do need you as I need all my erythrocytes.’

I’m not sure if you really understand this.

You don’t have to cut my heart if you believe me too. Since you’re my erythrocytes, of course I don’t want that things to flow out from my heart. Let it be there, forever like you said. You are the greatest possession I’ve ever own.

And now, I still couldn’t asleep even we have wished goodnight for about 3 hours. I’ve been thinking a lot about you. Yes a lot. You said, having me is the best decision you ever made. Thanks. I hope that comes from the deepest part of your heart, Zaki… I don’t want to hear about any of your past stories. But tonight, I heard something about you, from someone…

Never mind, almost 4 hours since our last conversation. I better forget about it. I have to. Because I do love you so much too. I’m not going to tell you what I’ve heard… I understand, you won’t feel comfortable knowing that. Plus, I don’t want any fights happen again.

Urm… okayh…

forget it.

Saturday 15 Going Random

1. I'm not obsessed with my own hair. Serious.
2. I dont like looking up. Dont ask why! HAHA
3. I don’t like people saying "Hi" to me when I'm online, (except from him) although when it happens, It comes by the bulk. That’s why I kept being invisible.
4. I sing. Willingly. When no one is listening. LOUD.
5. I am a certified Miloholic.
6. I don’t really like the smell of blood. "creeeepppy!" But I need it.
7. I have too many best friends. And it sounds totally weird, but I'm trying to cut down. Dush!
8. My soul acts selflessly to help others as My brain thinks up sarcastic and mean things. Eh?
9. I WANT TO BE A NATIONAL BLOGGER! *rawr!*
10. I got time online, and I needed a distraction from Online Games. That’ why I’m blogging
11. I may laugh for 10 minutes for real jokes.
12. I weigh more than you expect. (ask me personally for the figure)
13. I'm a LAKSA QUEEN! i can never get tired of laksa, you name it! Hahah
14. I blink, a lot
15. I am not who you think I am

Err? Already fifteen? Can I add one more pleaseeeee? Heh.

I was currently in LOVE with him :)

I'm sincerely sorry for not updating much. Only this for today. Signing off, bye!

A blog of the Day Awards for 23 April goes to...

Blogging is great even it’s boring. Sometimes this is a perfect place used as a punching bag to let it all out. Anger, hopes, and dreams. This is not my first blog. And for a while it was considered fun – I posted trivial details about myself, did the quizzes and memes. I have also learned to accept others I have met through blogging I would have otherwise dismissed. Blogging is a way to reach out and sometimes the only outlet a person may have. Haha. We’re going much serious now. By the way, what I’m going to say is, I was so proud to be announced as the winner for Blog of the day Award.

http://blogofthedayawards.blogspot.com/2009/04/ondhe-cekemanteyo.html

There’s no money, no throphy, but I agree it was beginning of a new chapter in the life of a blogger. Hehe. I hope that I am still smiling as I look back down on earth. That I ‘m not saddened when whenever I lose my smiles. That time whenever I read again my blog, It would bring joy to me... :)

Forgive me F?

I post this at the same day you post yours. I have no emotions. I’m not really going into this kind of relationship. I am stupid. I’m childish. I was jerk. I am more than any bullshit you ever knew in your life. And that’s what you label me. Fine. I accept that. I’m Liyana and you can call me L. And you choose to be called F. And we both know well who is Z. Ok. This is what I hate. I hate this kind of writing. Again, forgive me for the dramatic used of language. Somehow I tried to calm myself; I can’t be bothered with this shit anymore. I can’t and I can’t. Z and I have decided, if anything happens just let it be. So I won’t regret. I am writing not to say anything bad about you or even that Z. I love both of you. Yet, still now, you’re still my best friend. I never mad of you. Maybe it just a little misunderstood. Really it is. I’m not pretending to be like an angle free and pure from any sins. And I will never blame you on every single thing you said about me. And I’m even not asking anyone to cure my illness. I’m not sick. I am physically fine. But I can see my problem and yours too. Maybe someday, you won’t care about this anymore. It’s ok. It’s me all alone. I've never been so lost like this and I don't know what to do. I lost my best friend. Turning the clock won’t change anything. If only the way for you to forgive me is by letting that Z go, I would do that. I’m not begging for any love. But I was in love. I really do. And I meant it. It’s beyond my control. And he loves me too. Maybe it’s hurt. Believe me, I never plan this before. I’m not an architect with a good and high class planner in hands. Because once you told me, you won’t and don’t care anything about Z and you trying not to over ‘A’. Maybe you still love him. I don’t know which one. I swear, I didn’t involve in this when he’s still with you and when we both in college, in the same classroom and in the same row. I’m not that cruel. Is it my fault to open my heart for someone that holds the key? ‘In love’ and ‘loving’…It’s different. I know I’m just nothing to talk about this. Stupid and idiotic. Yarh. No emotions like you said before. Forgive me, friend? Ignore this for the rest of your life if you really hate me. It would still doesn't change my mind that you're a nice friend I do knew before. May God bless you. Bye.

Which one? :D

Johore Matriculation College (Science Course)

The Interview slip for Teacher's College (Social education/English/BM)

Frustration is building up inside of me. I got offered from everything that I’d applied except for that TESL UiTM. Duh. Ok now.. take a deep breath.. Inhale. Next step, I breathe out.. Exhale. Surprise; it actually worked. Impressive, I should reduce screaming next time. Haha. Back to issues of hand, matriculation or teacher’s college? Yes, I’m not asking you. Only naive people think life is so simple and that there are no difficult decisions to make. Oh screw it, I only live once. Enough only my mom is a teacher. I should be something else. A lecturer, at least. Heh. Ultimately the choices we make shape our lives. I have never thought myself a strong individual. I have never thought of myself as covered in cold steel. Now I see. Every person has this inside. The right motivation, the right provocation is all it takes. So, yeah I’m going to be what I want. Don’t be so silly by asking me, do you really enjoy that thing and these things? Well, I think that I’ve never heard something so true. I believe my ability even it’s only a piece of sad thing to be heard. Haha. Living from day to day is my only option, and.. Forgive me for the dramatic used of language but it isn’t enough. Don’t worry I just warming up my mind. I guess, I rather choose matriculation, for now. Yes! I don’t have to go for that interview. Overall I was thankful to God for giving me this pleasure =)