I've MOVED.

ASK, perhaps I'll give :)

everything will be okhay in the end

if it's not okhay, it's not the end.


wise words.
tough life.

so many work this holiday, I'm just so darn caught up with college. I don't mind the pressure per sem. But the fact that I have so many things piled into one is just unnerving. I need an escape. So yes, come SUNDAY, come.

That was school.
At home, it's another storybook.

House is so messy and well, my life isn't close to the word neat either.. But here I am on myspace, reading, surfing the net, reading more and well, slacking - a lot. Then I shout the unfairness to the world. I'm being unfair myself. But I've lived till now and I see no reason to disrupt the course of nature so far. Or am I simply being selfish? Is this guilty indulgence worth it?

It's been a while since I've done anything. I've actually been about drifting aimlessly. Waking up, not knowing what I'm supposed to achieve for the day. Going to bed, and not knowing stress. It's not a bad thing per say, but it doesn't feel very good. When there was studying needed, I'd know that I have to do it, and really get down to doing it. It's quite terrible doing nothing.

But I think it's not so bad. Despite all the stress, I actually can say I love what I'm doing. I hope it'll be alright till my contract ends. And till you figure- I do look like a guy if I want to. But I'm GIRLY if I want to be. Who cares? I'm Liyana.

I just realized I'm a very goal orientated person. Though I expect quick results, I think I need long term plans. I'm trying to RELAX badly, but it seems I need something going. Only if I was allowed to work. Nevermind, I'm up in a course 'soon'. That ought to keep me occupied.

Random is great.

-ilovezakisomuch

I'm having terrible MORBID thoughts gushing my brains now. I feel totally glutted up and somehow I still feel happy. I'm in serious need of help huh?

Why am I like this??I just read something that I wished I never read. It wouldn't affect a nano inch of anyone else, but I feel horridly affected. As though I have tonnes of weight suddenly plummet on my face and pulverized my essence. Yet, I don't exactly care. Dang, I don't even understand me... period.

WHY
I want something badly, but I ignore it. Why? Like when I wanted that handphone, then I thought how great mine already was (even though it has no exciting games, 2.7MB of memory and looks dull). Like when I wanted an iPOD, then I figured that my existing MP3 is the best (even though it's 2yrs old, has stellotape and is 256MB). Like when I wanted so many other materials, but decided that I don't need them. Why am I like that? I ignore things I desire, and truly work for. Because I satisfied with what I have. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know...





Down-to-earth? I am stuck by GRAVITY. period.

My dearest Farahiyah,

It's your birthday, Happy birthday:D

This isn't healthy. For an 18 year old, obsessions can't be healthy. I can list out the many reasons why so, yet I fail at any self-restraint. This will not only eat me up in the physical sense, but subconsciously kill me - slowly. I just know it, and I am not doing anything about it. I hate Nasonex, I hate Ventolin, I hate Ceterizine, I hate Clarinese. Bodoh punya ubat.. Bravo Liyana. I'm feeling better without it. ;)

Life's such a drag. And my rump is aching badly. Gah. Ramblings help when you need to think.

And, another issues.. Home Alone? Probably. I'm not THAT excited since I'm stuck because of college. Not only that, but my family booked a WATER CHALET IN PORT DICKSON. Imagine the seaview! Only snowwhite is the fairest. And my faved cousin who's 16 was begging me to go, he insist that I'm the best road trip buddy. Along with my sisters, I'll miss them. And all the photography opportunities. Oh well.

There was about some things I absolutely positive. I’m fictional inside. Theoretically, there’s no scientific explanation for that. You shouldn’t Google it. The color of my eyes doesn’t change the way my mood is. I got compass embedded under my wrist but it points me out to nowhere. I can’t recall anything when I was in the womb of my mother. Darkness ain’t so bad for me. I knew the facts that I’m exist. I’m not junkie. I never gain any special force. I can’t cook really well. I fear things which I don’t understand. I’m afraid of thunder. But just don’t underestimate me. I am different than you think of. I wish to witness my own funeral. So that I am not like whom I have been…

I feel restless as there is only one thing on my mind, one thought that drives me crazy, I lay awake every night trying to force my self to sleep. And some days I don’t feel like getting up, I try to bury my head into the pillows and create an artificial night, I wish, I hope for something, anything, but apparently there isn’t anyone listening upstairs. But.. A picture of you in my head had never fades. So I lay here staring up at the ceiling finding that I maybe just can’t sleep for the whole night.

SEVEN.SEVEN.SEVEN.

7 colours in the rainbow
7 days in a week
7 dwarves in Snow White
7 spots on a ladybug
7 bones in a mammal's neck
7 is the code for James bond's double-o
7 wonders of the ancient world
7 great emperors of Rome
7 hills of Rome
7 openings into our human head (mouth, two eyes, two ears, two nostrils)
7 seas
7 ages of man, did William Shakesphere divided life into
7 deadly sins (Sloth, Greed, Lust, Gluttony, Wrath, Pride and Envy)
7 virtures (Chastity, Moderation, Liberality, Charity, Meekness, Zeal, and Humility)

In Harry Potter:
7 to be the most magical number
7 Hocruxes of Lord Voldemort
7 Children of the Weasley Family
7 players in a Quidditch team
7 month, July is when Harry Potter was born
7 books in the series
7 number of rings given to the Dwarf Lords in Lord of The Rings

In Islam:
7 ayat in the surah al-Fatiha
7 heavens in Islamic tradition
7 Earths in Islamic tradition.


okay, enough of being creepy. Today itself was creepy enough. I woke up at 0700, not really like usual. But I think I have this biological clock that wakes me up at 0700.

Then I've had a mysterious call from a private number, it was mumbling some freaky words. Practically can't be heard. Maybe...

Oh today?

I wished I could have blogged more, but as paranoid as I can be, i feel that people are watching, and watching me, and watching so closely that I think I am so going to close down my myspace/facebook. Bad move to start it.

I guess what i do not want to happen after i turn 18 is to have the life right now, letting time slip away slowly.

then i took the quiz on fb,

it says i will have 18 children. HAHA. fuck off. not funny!! ;O

then i took another quiz that says" the swear word you will use."

and mine's busted.

haha.

fine.

i should replace it with fridge.

then i read an online article on hitler.

you know hitler was a rejected art student before he became an extremist?

he was rejected twice by the academy of arts.

and here's some of his pieces. (link) the remarks are all biased, and personally i feel that the man was not born evil. look at his drawings and you will understand..


okay, you're not reading.
HAHA ,

signing off, bye!

"never remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet"

No truer word.
None indeed.

If you're trying to find a solution, don't be the problem.
Don't.

but you have to admit, sometimes being the problem, and letting people fuss about it, is somewhat amusing.
Seriously.

After what he said that day, my agitation has only increased by the hour and I'm feeling too uneasy to go back to sleep. Although he assured me that what he asked was just out of curiosity, I can't help but feel there's something written in between the lines. If what he asked really happens, I doubt I’ll be the only one affected. But if it does happen, am I ready? Hmm. I think the most honest answer would be a no. And to answer his question, I really don't know what I'll do. A politically correct answer would be that I'll just let it be and move on but honestly I don't know if I'll be able to. The wounds would definitely take a long time to heal and I'll definitely be broken. Our lives have become so intertwined that if I try to pull one out or untangle in any way, the other would snap. That's what I feel anyway. *Sighs*. Maybe I’m just over thinking. Over thinking isn’t help much. Nobody is going to realize the pressure I've been under and all the sufferings I've been withstanding silently. I apologize for being in such a bitchy mood and selfish. I'm sorry I’m angry and upset. Especially by one thing but how the hell am I supposed to put it in words? Guess I just need some time alone, maybe? Or just get rolled over by a train.

missyousomuch ahmad zaki najmuddin

.

To readers: Thank you for checking up on me. I love you guys with all my heart. But I’m not going to talk about what I’ve just wrote to anybody. :( Don’t waste your time asking. Signing off, bye! ;))

I haven't had a good night's sleep these few nights. I had to keep a friend company and calm his and her, senses. I suppose I'm being unfair. I'm selfish. I'm not the only one in troubles, I have to be more caring and considerate towards others. I'll start with cheering at least one person a day. And to those who don't appreciate my sense of humor, don't fret, it'll be gone really soon. I'm working on that now. No more valgur, not so crude. Coming soon, a Liyana with a GOOD sense of humor.

Today is mine. It is unique.Nobody in the world has one exactly like it.It holds the sum of all my past experiences and all my future potentials.I can fill it with joyous moments or ruin it with fruitless worry.If painful recollections of the past come into my mind,or frightening thoughts of the future, I can put them away.They cannot spoil today for me.

OK actually, this is directed to SOME people who pissed me out so bad today. I usually don't give people the cold shoulder, but if I didn't smile at you today, than it's YOU and YOU.



ARGH!

signing off, bye!

I'm at the crossroads again. When I actually decide where I'm suppose to go, yet they both look good. To me at least. I just can't decide much, and let the flow just go. And sometimes, the flow lets go, and I let it slip away. So far away. Happenstance or stupidity?

Hope.
Hoping Hope.
Hopping Hoping Hope!

Whateverrr. You don't need to know.

Speech was a mess, i think.


Right.
I'm looking for Dettol to cleanse my brains, then again, I don't think I will...
:)

Signing off, bye!

ilove ahmad zaki najmuddin somuch.

Helped mummy bake some chocolate mouse cup cakes. They tasted heavenly. Had to resist all temptation, since it has ironically become a great motivation, so I ate 1. I didn't mention about the chicken puff my mummy made, and I stuffed 4 in my overly unhealthy self. Damn. I am on a streak of junk food avenue, and I'm still finding the first exite route out. Out of gas. The horror...

Back to the fun section, I was helping with the littlest things that my mummy assigned me with. Like (opposite order of occurance): piling in the mouse, watching the baking of the crust, and rolling the dough.

As usual, there was always extra dough left. I usually make snowman, go ahead laugh your arses off. But mummy commented I can't make snowman, "the dough is black..." So well, made a cookie instead. WITH SMILES.

thinking of you,

Ahmad zaki Najmuddin mohd Aini
that's why ;)

There are some days I wonder, "why do I bother?". Other days I ask myself, "why don't people bother?" It would be great if I didn't make this many mistakes in life, or am able to put the blame somewhere else other than my on conscience. Wishful thinking? I wished ignorance could still be bliss. I would like to have to wake up to a holiday everyday, and do anything I want, have everything I ever wished for (next to him) , not have this curfew and be a real kid, not be possessed by problems or dilemmas or sorrow, never a need to worry, and every bad thing in this world vanished...


Then I find myself to be so naïve. Or any insult the carries the synonyms of an imbecilic foolish idiot. Or simply me. Ludicrous Liyana. I'm deliriously barking mad. Oh well...


There are times when I mull over the might-haves and the what-ifs. To come to think about it, I'm having some a whole lot of emotional makeover now. I've been on the verge of letting happenstance take over, tune out and probably let all my aspirations of being someone with a white vespa. Oh kidding.. I do have hope, but I figure with the passing of time, Hope loses a letter.

observe:

HOPE.
HOP.
HO.
H.
.

This this thing, this emo shite, this melancholy crap, this. My defense mechanism. What can I say? I maybe all loopy and high out there. But like everyone else (i figure), I have this inner maelstrom raging.


Point, I am making my life sound sad, aren't I? But its not. This happens when I am left to my own devices with nothing but solitude and my mind. I am grateful for all the wonders. Really. But I am human. I am Liyana. And even then, I wonder, who am I?

Signing off, bye!

Survey


Thanks tagging, ms loey!

Name 5 people you can think of right off the top of your head.
Don't read the questions until you write the names of the 5 people.
No cheating please!

Mas Syafiqah
Farahiyah
Faiz
Acha
Zaki

Reminder : Don't read ahead unless you fill above names first!

Question 1 : How do you meet 1?
She accidentally registered same school with me! Heh. I know, we’re born for mrsm :D

Question 2 : On the Scale of 1 - 10, how you rate your
relationship with no 1?
Urm. 10 adding 1? ;)

Question 3 : How long have you known 4?
*Counting* Ohh. seven years.

Question 4 : How do you know number 3?
Currently from Myspace. My best friend. HAHA.

Question 5 : Where 5?
College in kedah..

Question 6 : A Fact about number 1?
Having many goats at home and love cow. No, it’s facts.

Question 7 : Who is no 4 going out with?
His name Benji and I don’t know who. *sigh* By the way, I’m still waiting for question asking no. 2. Duh =(

Question 8 : What does no 1 do for living?
Devoting life on myspace. She’s online almost everyyyy hour! Congrats :D

Question 9 : Would you live with number 3?
skip question? heh

Question 10 : What do you like about no 2?
She like to say so much and yet she say much of story. Heh. God! My ever talkative friend ;D

Question 11 : Do you miss number 5?
Yes. I couldn’t stop saying on how much I miss him.

Question 12 : Would you make out with number 4?
No way! No. 5 will run after me! haha

Question 13 : What's your opinion of number 2?
No matter what the end, I feel privileged to call her, a very good friend :)

Question 14 : What is your fav memory with number 5?
He’s my heart, my soul, my erythrocytes. Everything with him is the sweetest ever.

Question 15 : What would you do if number 1 going out with number 2?
Mas syafiqa and farahiyah? I’m claping my hand then. HAHAHAHA.

Question 16 : ever had a long conversation with number 5?
He’s my hubby. So not a weird :D

Question 17 : have you ever slept at number 2's house?
Not yet. You think Putrajaya and Temerloh opposite each other? Haih. Hopping :D

Question 18 : Do you hang out with number 3 often?
Never. He’s a friendly and caring that soooo called a good stranger. haha.

Question 19 : Who do you known the longest?
The cutie Achaaaaaaa ;)

Question 20 : How often do you talk to number 1?
Almost my every night. Sweet right?

Question 21 : What about number 2?
Often. And she couldn’t stop talking once she start it.

Question 22 : Have you ever thought 3 more than a friend?
So, I ask him, have you ever thought me more than a friend? heh

Question 23 : May be you want to go out for a date with number 5?
We’re currently dating. Thank you ;)

Question 24 : Do you dream about number 2?
I got short term memory and I can’t recall that. duh ;)

Question 25 : What did number 4 did to you that you never forget?
She demand me spent money buying her cake! HAHA. I could never forget that acha. So pissed of.


Question 26 : What have you done to number 1 that he/she never forget?
A lot of sweet things. Oh no, I’m being sarcastic!

Question 27 : What is number 3's hobby?
Give me a Prank Call everyday! Huh.

who do you want to tag:

All my followers. Love love much :D

Signing off, bye!

Things not to forget yesterday!

1. I’ve ‘volunteered’ myself to be a cute monument at Alamanda while waiting Fisya to get a bus and arrived there. Unfortunately, she took an hour to arrived from Precient 8. Duh.
2. Believe it or not, we talk about spending money a lot. Of course, she’s richer than me! HAHA.
3. We’ve decided a day earlier to watch x-men wolverine.
4. Regular popcorn to be shared both. Currently not on diet.
5. And we’ve done eating it less an hour.
6. Fisya can’t withstand the high desire to go to toilet. She kept screaming while movie showing. Seriously. Yup, enough for me losing focus that time ;D
7. She even has time to teach me a lot about mutan and xmen. HAHA. No kidding. I never know about it before.
8. Our popcorn box nearly falls to floor. It causes noise pollution.
9. Non stop laughing with her.
10. We are the first to go out after movie and she couldn’t stop thinking to go for toilet.
11. Suddenly, I suffered flu. So, tissue please?
12. Surprisingly, I met Nime outside toilet. Dude, how come you didn’t tell us you’re going?! Urgh..
13. We have a little chit chat while waiting for Hallie doing project in toilet.
14. Fisya show me the exotic rocks outside the Alamanda. *shock*
15. Hallie is buying her parents bed sheet as present. It’s cute hallie!
16. Handshakes and goodbye.
17. Of course, I never forget of you. Haha.

Oh, yes. There's another thing about my friend, fisya. When you look at picture below, would you describe whether is it a face of a person who LIKES or DISLIKES vegetable. HAHA. Eee.. she's such a good liar!! ;P

And whether this person below know how to cook or not? Duh. I'm so 'sad' having you. But at least you're not using that knife to stab me. lol. :D

Overall, I was enjoyed with her. I laughed too much since I be friend with Fisya. We shared a lot of secrets. My life was not so solitary. I knew the facts that true friend always defend and understand each other, so I'm sorry for my previous post. (If you ever read it) I didn't meant to blamed somebody or someone. I just wrote what I've been thinking and the next day, I blamed myself for I shouldn't do it. I accepted the facts that I could never be completely hundred percent happy, but it doesn't meant I can't try to live my life to its fullest. So I'm happy for what I have. Thanks god. Btw, I will make the survey tag by Ms loey for me soon, promise. Signing off, bye! =)

Yesterday was a million years ago. And tomorrow will never be the same. I never expect to find darkness in light. I meant, yes, I’ve found my happiness upon him but THEY split horrible words on me. Yuppp! You and your friends. So, do find your satisfaction now? I knew the probability you would read this somewhat a little, but who cares after all? I don’t know what I should do. I hate Tom for creating myspace sometimes. It is hard to say when the nightmares began or ended but they were truly terrible. I thought it were already end that day. Apparently, you heat up the old issues with a blades made of words. But now, you’re not alone. You have your own and true best friend to support you. Yes, like ‘she’ said, I am stupid to stab upon you and not a kind of a good friend. Duh. I’m tired. I guess I don’t need an officially respond to that kind of silly things. It’s up to you to blame my manners and attitude. It’s all written. I may carry an eraser with me constantly, an eraser to erase what you’ve said about me. But it’s not working. You sit atop and you throne like a king. Know what, I’m scared of you sometimes. Really. I’m not kidding. And that’s the prime reason I behave like this. Please don’t judge my attitude. You got the experienced sitting beside me once and you already knew. I’m not going to pay for any rebuttal. Hope you don’t make these became longer and so horrifying that I would wake up screaming. I’m sorry for everything happened… Signing off, bye!

Agriculture? Heh ;D

Maybe next time, I’m gonna make a paragraph about farmer. Hahaha, no it's not creepyyyy ok? Heh. I’m rushing now. I’ll be going to Kelantan this evening for wedding ceremony on Sunday. I do have interest in agriculture field since I was in school. So, this choice is 50:50. No comments! Hehe. (Do still hope for JPA) Duh. Signing off, bye!

Guess what? Today is 30 April. I should be going to the interview. It was held in Bandar Tun Razak. But I don’t! I just got back from Johore. Moreover, I’m not interested to be a teacher. Why? A teacher doesn’t have time for a real life. Haha. lol. I’m joking… Firstly, I don’t want to work at school. Second, students nowadays don't even think about the damage they're doing to the teacher and sometimes they don't even look at their teacher as a person. That’s annoying. Thirdly, my character doesn’t always defend. My hand can’t help people on stumble. Haha. But that’s not the prime reason I don’t want to be a teacher. I’m looking for a job that could give me opportunity to point out my view, listen and deals with people. Wait a minutes… dealing with people, aha of course not a lower secondary student! lol. By the way, if my words are like a magical beans that grow into a stalk, I would rather interested in being a hero. Oh! Thanks for reminding, I know I’m girl. Heroism is a hard road to take. But I guess I fall far too often. And I fail way too consistently. Oh, another thing, please, don’t try to understand; it's just not possible you will. I’m just rumble about nothing now. See, I supposed to talk about my absence in that interview, we're going too far. Heh. I don’t know what I’m going to be. I don't have a slogan, I don't have a catchphrase, maybe these things will be used as evidence, and maybe I will become recognizable by my silence. Signing off, bye!